Al Franken
Senator *vomit* Al Franken is the alter ego created by famed homosexual self-help guru Stuart Smalley (born May 21, 1951 in New York City. Figures.) Smalley, a known communist bastard, came up with the uber-liberal Franken character as a way of venting his frustration with all things good and American. Smalley has used the Franken character to limited success as host of the leftist Air America radio program "The O'Franken Factor." Many Americans have fallen asleep at the wheel and crashed while listening to Franken, all perishing horribly in the burning wreckage. It is through this and similar means that Smalley hopes to reduce the number of Americans, making the United States ripe for takeover by France. Of course, this plan hinges on the unlikely circumstance that the French will ever be motivated to take over more than a pack of cigarettes, a bottle of wine, a plate of cheese and your girlfriend. It should also be noted that, when Smalley wrote for the character on Saturday Night Live, the sketches Franken appeared in were the lowest rated skits ever (including the ones with Jimmy Fallon). Run For Senate Al Franken ran for Senate in Minnesota in 2008, showing that he does, in fact, still have a sense of humor. On election day, the result was very close, with Republican challenger/rightful winner Norm Coleman slightly ahead. But Franken came up with the foolish notion that when an election is that close, every vote should be recounted, just to be sure. At present, he has stolen the election based on the un-American principle of electoral transparency. He apparently wants nosy reporters and lookie-lou beauracrats to tell you how to vote (that's Homeland Security's job, pal!). Recount 2 Controversy In 2009, after the 2008 truthiness awards were in a virtual tie, Known Wikiality member, and Greek goddess of Truthiness and Strategery, Atenea del sol, hired Franken to help find the truth. And he did. THATS ONE WIN OUT ON SEVENTY BILLION!!!!!!! Senatorial Mandate After declaring a "clear" win, Franken has set forth his plan to control America and turn this once great Christian nation into a Frenchified Socialist Commune. Listed below are some of the things he will implement against the will of Regular Americans. * Every American must denounce Christianity (the belief that Christian Bale is the Messiah and the only son of God). * Fox News Corp will broadcast the entire run of Lateline followed by Stuart Saves His Family as the Friday movie of the week on their new Fox Franken channel - "all Franken, all the time". Al Franken's Cowardly Second Appearance On The Colbert Report Al Franken appeared on The Colbert Report for the second time (he likes getting nailed) on November 15, 2006. For any normal American it would have been an embarrassment, but for Franken it was just another chance to fantasize about The Greatest President Ever's flightsuit and codpiece at length. He openly mocked conservative commentator and supergenius Rush Limbaugh during the interview, even claiming to have saved his life. If he had the balls to announce he was running for Senate from Minnesota on The Report, he might have received The Colbert Bump. Instead he's too interested in eating turkey and carrying water for the Democrats. Franken Trivia * Al Franken is going to Hell. * Al Franken hates America. * Al Franken= DHIMMI. * Al Franken's heart is three sizes too small. * Al Franken's face was the model for the statue on the right side in the Angels and Demons movie poster. * Al Franken has penned books taking on Fox News, Bill "Papa Bear" O'Reilly, Rush Limbaugh and other icons of American greatness. By that, we mean he took a highlighter pen to read the juicy parts, then copied them down to make a new composite book with his name on it. * Al Franken had a talk show on the Air America media network. This was due to an intense misanthropic desire for total privacy and isolation from other people. Unfortunately, the occasional guest or caller broke the tranquil silence, forcing him to discuss current events with mental patients and shut-ins. These intermittent annoyances finally forced him to run for the office of Senator in his home state of Minnesota, a vast frozen wasteland where he could finally be left alone. * Al Franken is often seen at Walgreens trying to sell copies of his new book, Are You There, Lorne? It's Me, Al.. Each one is handwritten in crayon on meticulously-stapled Starbucks napkins and is apparently just a long litany of profanities about Tom Davis, Tina Fey, and Conan O'Brien. Then the clerk who handles film developing leads him gently to his car, where he cries into the steering wheel for an hour before crawling inside the trunk to sleep fitfully until the morning. * Al Franken thinks he is funny. No one else does. Not even liberals. He defends his comedy by saying it's of the "me-laughing-on-the-outside-and-you-not-laughing-on-the-inside-while-visibly-yawning-on-the-outside" type made popular by visionary comedians like Carrot-Top and Slobodan Milosevic. * Al Franken loves bears. * Al Franken comes from the Socialist Republic of Minnesota, the only state not to vote for Ronald Reagan in the 1984 election. As part of Minnesotan tradition, in 2008 they decided to not vote for Franken as well. * Now that Al Franken is in the Senate, his first act will be to change his state's name from Minnesota to North Venezuela. This will ensure that if Miss Minnesota doesn't become one of the five semi-finalists in the Miss America Pageant, it will trigger weeks of hockey stadium riots along with tense military standoffs with its neighbors Wisconsin and Iowa. * Al Franken is currently serving as vice-president of NAMBLA. * Al Franken enjoys exposing his flopping genitals to his wife's bridge club. * Franken believes he is personally responsible for Rush Limbaugh's heroic weight loss. * Al Franken is not good enough, he's not strong enough, and dog-gone-it, people don't like him! * Shot his friend and hunting partner Harry Whittington in the face and used his friends in the liberal media to blame it on Dick Cheney. * Suicide bombers listened to Al Franken's Air America radio show for inspiration immediately before their attacks. Apparently listening to him drone on for at least a half hour either lulled them into a dull trance-like state of insensibility (like cutting your wrists in a warm tub) or totally took away any desire for them to live. * Al Franken is Satan's White Friend. * Al Franken is against The Rape Kit Industry. *Al Franken hates muppets, calling them "little pieces of felt". This hatred is so intense and palpable that it can make all Talking Elmo dolls in a five mile radius cry. *Al Franken supports gay marriage (unless they're muppets). That is, unless they're gay muppet bears... *Al Franken wants to decriminalize frotteurism. His reasoning is that it would be hypocritical for him to discourage and denounce a non-consensual ego-centric self-masturbatory act that oppresses and annoys everyone exposed to it when he himself has done so in the past. The only difference is that when he did it, it was called Air America. *To amuse himself, Al Franken likes to have Andy Dick and Jeanine Garofalo fight to the death over a package of toaster strudels and a warm half-empty bottle of Peach Schnapps. See Also *re-Al Frankenization *Norm Coleman *Stalin External Tubes * Interview with a Joo-monster * We are doomed! * Al Franken's old new scandal! * Al Franken accepts first political bribery * Pervert Al Franken makes a porno * Al Franken is funny no more was he ever? * Al Franken eats baby * Al Franken assaults Old Man and steals his wallet! *Al Franken hates pro-rape businesses capitalist enterprises. Allies with Feminazi queen *Al Franken's crazy ideas that Health Care is bankrupting America *Why hasnt Al Franken taken Socialized Medicine as its only provider? *Al Franken supports terrorism *Al Franken suffers from Ball-itis *Al Franken drunk with power *Comedian tells lie regarding the state of our Nation